I've officially been at my half-marathon training for two months. I have four more to go. It's hard to imagine actually being able to complete 13.1 miles, but I know I can do it. This morning we had on the schedule a four mile run, which is hard enough. But the four mile run turned into 5.15 and I am still sore and exhausted, hours later.
As we went along, I praised God for a mostly flat run along Blanco Road. I knew the street we were supposed to cross at for us to do the return route (it's called an out and back when you go straight out one way, and come back the same way you came), but we just kept going .. and going .. and going, and not turning around. I looked at my watch and knew it had been more than two miles in this direction, but no one was turning. In the past, I have sometimes had trouble knowing the turnaround point and ended up following a group doing more mileage. That's not a big deal when it's the difference between running two miles and running one mile. But to me, at this point in my training, it is a BIG difference to do six miles vs. four. But I knew I hadn't missed the turn point because for once I had actually looked at the map before the run and knew what street to turn around at. And we still weren't there.
Finally we came to it, and like a herd of gazelles, we all crossed Blanco (at a crossing signal - don't worry) and headed back, leaving the 6-mile people to head up to Bitters.
I was hurting. I had an exhausting week, and I've been slacking a little these last two weeks because I've been so stressed out at work, not to mention the unhealthy stress eating which doesn't help me feel good (except temporarily). I also hated not even being able to see the turnaround point, and having no idea how much farther it was, when it clearly wasn't the mileage I had psyched myself up for.
I'm not going to pretend I was feeling super spiritual at 6:45 am, trudging through the heat and humidity, running low on water and feeling the burn in my legs. But in retrospect, and in an effort to find a God moment in all this, and a lesson, it reminds me of how often I wish I knew the outcome of events or paths God has me on, and how important it is to be consistent in my spiritual health. Just as I need to run regularly to make it through the long Saturday runs, I need to spend time with God regularly to be better equipped and prepared for the challenges of life. I always think it would be so much easier if I just knew how an uncertain situation would be resolved or if God will change a circumstance. Like the route this morning, I just wanted to visually see the turnaround point. I just wanted to know how many more minutes it would be, if there were more hills I had to get through, how much longer until I'd get to take a short walking break (I wouldn't let myself walk until after we turned around).
I know it's best to trust God and not worry about the outcome, accepting that whatever it is is God's will. But it's hard to go forward and not know how much longer I have to endure something, or what the end will look like.
Once we hit the turnaround point, I knew how much I was in for going back. It was nice to know how much further it would be back to 1604, and then back to Stone Oak. I already knew the end point. It helps to have the goal in mind, but it also helps to learn to be flexible, and that sometimes the route changes and I have to adapt to it.
I have a 10K in a few weeks. Please pray that I survive! A 10K is 6.2 miles and I've been told the course is very hilly and challenging. I'm worried, but praying for the strength and endurance from God to get me through.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Understanding the Call
I've been trying to find things to blog about this past month. Lots has happened, but so much involves other people and I don't want to share their stuff online. Just mine. :)
This week, though, I was reminded of something. I was talking with a friend, who was telling me how she feels called to work with the Latino population. She used to always think that meant moving to South America and serving in missions there, but now she realizes that in fact God wants her to be right here in San Antonio, serving Latinos. I know without doubt God has given me a heart for Asians. It's a weird thing to explain. It's not just that I love their food and decorations (even though I do!) but it's a supernatural draw I have to them. I'm still not sure how God wants me to serve them from San Antonio, but I know He doesn't have plans for me to move back to China any time soon, which is a little sad, but hopefully I can visit some time soon!
I'm excited to have this new clarity - that I don't have to live in China to serve the Chinese, but that I can still serve from here. I still don't know what it is God wants me to do exactly in San Antonio with this call, but I know it will be incredible when it becomes clear. For now, I'm focusing on graduate school and my job, which I love. I had so many doubts when moving back to the US last year, but now I am working at a job that I love, with like-minded people, gaining incredible experience, networking with so many good people, and heading back to school to make myself better at what I do, and serve those around me and in my city.
This week, though, I was reminded of something. I was talking with a friend, who was telling me how she feels called to work with the Latino population. She used to always think that meant moving to South America and serving in missions there, but now she realizes that in fact God wants her to be right here in San Antonio, serving Latinos. I know without doubt God has given me a heart for Asians. It's a weird thing to explain. It's not just that I love their food and decorations (even though I do!) but it's a supernatural draw I have to them. I'm still not sure how God wants me to serve them from San Antonio, but I know He doesn't have plans for me to move back to China any time soon, which is a little sad, but hopefully I can visit some time soon!
I'm excited to have this new clarity - that I don't have to live in China to serve the Chinese, but that I can still serve from here. I still don't know what it is God wants me to do exactly in San Antonio with this call, but I know it will be incredible when it becomes clear. For now, I'm focusing on graduate school and my job, which I love. I had so many doubts when moving back to the US last year, but now I am working at a job that I love, with like-minded people, gaining incredible experience, networking with so many good people, and heading back to school to make myself better at what I do, and serve those around me and in my city.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Fruits of My Struggles
The first six months of my job made me very anxious. I couldn't for the life of me figure out my boss. I constantly felt like I was failing in some way, but as much as I tried to do my best, I somehow kept missing the mark. There was a lot of miscommunication, I realize in retrospect, but after nine months now, I finally feel like I have the hang of things, more or less. I still make mistakes, but I know how to fix them and not feel like I failed.
I have a co-worker, Dee, who started with us about three months ago. She is a great lady, very sweet and friendly, and a hard worker. She joined us after twenty years spent in another industry that she was laid off from. The works she does with us now is very different, but she's put a lot of effort into learning and I personally think she's doing a great job.
Last week I walked into the conference room (to which my little workspace attaches), and Dee was in there working. I asked her how it was going, in a casual way as I made my way to my desk. She looked at me, and very frankly said, "I hate this." I stopped, and sat down to talk.
She started pouring out all her frustrations, and it sounded very, very familiar. Every difficulty she was having, not understanding what our boss wanted, and feeling like a failure ... it was all exactly what I had felt my first months on the job. She started crying, and I told her my own story of how I felt, and coped, my first several months. I told her I prayed harder than I had in a long time, and it really made a difference. She said she had been doing the same.
I was able to encourage her to tell our boss how she was feeling, and most of all that no matter how she feels, she is not a failure. It's a demanding job, but they wouldn't have hired her if they didn't think she could do it.
It broke my heart to see her like that, but it also reminded me of God's plans for us. I hated, hated going through those months of anxiety and frustration, and I can't say I'm completely on the other side now, but I am definitely in a better place. And though it was a struggle to get through, I was able last week to relate to someone, right where they were at, and tell them how I got through it, and that there is hope.
God always has a plan, and never wants us to be hurting without a reason. The challenging first six months of my job taught me many things, and grew and stretched me, and this ability now to identify with and encourage someone else is just one of the fruits of that trial.
(PS - my boss is a good guy, just for the record... but we communicate in very different ways and therefore miscommunicate often! But now that we've talked about this challenge, we have been able to recognize it when it happens, and things are much smoother. Yay!)
I have a co-worker, Dee, who started with us about three months ago. She is a great lady, very sweet and friendly, and a hard worker. She joined us after twenty years spent in another industry that she was laid off from. The works she does with us now is very different, but she's put a lot of effort into learning and I personally think she's doing a great job.
Last week I walked into the conference room (to which my little workspace attaches), and Dee was in there working. I asked her how it was going, in a casual way as I made my way to my desk. She looked at me, and very frankly said, "I hate this." I stopped, and sat down to talk.
She started pouring out all her frustrations, and it sounded very, very familiar. Every difficulty she was having, not understanding what our boss wanted, and feeling like a failure ... it was all exactly what I had felt my first months on the job. She started crying, and I told her my own story of how I felt, and coped, my first several months. I told her I prayed harder than I had in a long time, and it really made a difference. She said she had been doing the same.
I was able to encourage her to tell our boss how she was feeling, and most of all that no matter how she feels, she is not a failure. It's a demanding job, but they wouldn't have hired her if they didn't think she could do it.
It broke my heart to see her like that, but it also reminded me of God's plans for us. I hated, hated going through those months of anxiety and frustration, and I can't say I'm completely on the other side now, but I am definitely in a better place. And though it was a struggle to get through, I was able last week to relate to someone, right where they were at, and tell them how I got through it, and that there is hope.
God always has a plan, and never wants us to be hurting without a reason. The challenging first six months of my job taught me many things, and grew and stretched me, and this ability now to identify with and encourage someone else is just one of the fruits of that trial.
(PS - my boss is a good guy, just for the record... but we communicate in very different ways and therefore miscommunicate often! But now that we've talked about this challenge, we have been able to recognize it when it happens, and things are much smoother. Yay!)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Big Month
For you faithful few followers, I've been MIA ... for no particular reason, just a big month.
May was my birthday, car problems and subsequent new car (blessing!!), I started my half-marathon training, and many other highlights.
I feel like I've learned a lot just in this month, but don't know quite how to put it down. My birthday left me feeling very loved by others. Being without a car for a week made me rely on other people, and spend lots of quality time with friends driving me around, and reminded me that it's ok to not have control sometimes and to depend on others. The WOW (women's) event at church reminded me how God's plan can be radically different from my own, and may even hurt, but in the end He is still God and still in control, and never does anything to intentionally harm us but rather works all things to His glory. The new car I unexpectedly got that came with some necessary help in purchasing reminded me that God knows my needs, and provides for them in His timing and perfect (and unforeseen!) way. And finally,the half-marathon training started, which will be tough and challenging, I know, but I am really looking forward to these next six months. I look forward to getting to know my running mates, pushing myself to do more each day, learning that no matter my physical strength that ultimately God is in control of the outcome, and joining 20,000 other runners in November for the big race.
I am excited about the days ahead, and the changes that are already happening. It is a refining fire.
May was my birthday, car problems and subsequent new car (blessing!!), I started my half-marathon training, and many other highlights.
I feel like I've learned a lot just in this month, but don't know quite how to put it down. My birthday left me feeling very loved by others. Being without a car for a week made me rely on other people, and spend lots of quality time with friends driving me around, and reminded me that it's ok to not have control sometimes and to depend on others. The WOW (women's) event at church reminded me how God's plan can be radically different from my own, and may even hurt, but in the end He is still God and still in control, and never does anything to intentionally harm us but rather works all things to His glory. The new car I unexpectedly got that came with some necessary help in purchasing reminded me that God knows my needs, and provides for them in His timing and perfect (and unforeseen!) way. And finally,the half-marathon training started, which will be tough and challenging, I know, but I am really looking forward to these next six months. I look forward to getting to know my running mates, pushing myself to do more each day, learning that no matter my physical strength that ultimately God is in control of the outcome, and joining 20,000 other runners in November for the big race.
I am excited about the days ahead, and the changes that are already happening. It is a refining fire.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Worship and Reflection
I think I've been experiencing a lot lately, and haven't sat down long enough yet to process it all. So here goes.
I've been thinking on two things a lot this week: worship, and reflection.
Monday night, my friend and I went to see Hillsong United perform downtown. They are a Christian band that I really, really like. I was super excited to go, but was not prepared for the incredible experience I had! Being in an auditorium bursting with other believers was amazing enough, but the concert experience was nothing like I've known in the secular world. It took me a few songs to loosen up enough to really feel what was happening around me and in me. People were full on, no holds barred worshiping God with everything in them. I started to think this is a glimpse of how it will be in eternity - just praising God and not caring about anything else. Joining with other believers to worship. Then they sang the song Mighty to Save, which I love, and I have to say those five minutes were the most worshipful I think I've ever been. I couldn't help but get caught up in the words and beauty of it all, and truly have a freeing experience of worshiping God. I had all these thoughts flit through my brain at that moment - thoughts of all the things I get worried about or obsess over - and I can honestly say during that height of worship, when those things came to mind I couldn't care less about them. I wish I could feel that way all the time, but I loved even having that feeling for a moment - not caring about anything except loving God and being sold out for Him. I have thought on that all week, and it's really changed my perspective on some things.
The rest of the night was incredible too. Prayers were offered, salvation invitations were made, Scripture was read, and of course, there was lots of worship music happening. The whole night was uplifting and filled me up. I loved it!!
As for reflection, it occurred to me that I have now been back in the States for a year. It's amazing how quickly it goes by. In July of 2008, I made a video newsletter about my time in Hong Kong, and posted it on youtube. I just watched it a few minutes ago for the first time since I made it, and it just brought back so many memories. I don't doubt the move back to Texas last year was right, but I think about HK every day and miss so many things about it. Maybe God has that again in my future. I hope so. There were plenty of hard times too, but I made some deep relationships that I could never have imagined, and learned so much more about God and myself than I ever knew. I sometimes think back on some of the things I had to do or figure out on my own and how I had to adapt and be outside of my comfort zone so often. I can't believe some of the experiences I had.
Since I've been back, that hasn't stopped. God has continued to do a lot of things in me. When I first came back to Texas last April, I knew it was the right move but I also had a lot of discouragement, feeling like I had gone so far and done so much and learned so many things, just to come back to the starting point. But this past year, I have been challenged in things I have never experienced. I have grown even further. I have been taught even more. Just because I came back to the same physical location as where I started, I did not come back to the same place spiritually or mentally or emotionally.
God is very, very big and offers so many challenges and blessings that I can't even begin to get my head around. I'm just glad I've stuck it out, and am continuing to hold fast, and keep learning and grow. It's not always an easy life, but it's certainly a rewarding life to live for Christ.
I've been thinking on two things a lot this week: worship, and reflection.
Monday night, my friend and I went to see Hillsong United perform downtown. They are a Christian band that I really, really like. I was super excited to go, but was not prepared for the incredible experience I had! Being in an auditorium bursting with other believers was amazing enough, but the concert experience was nothing like I've known in the secular world. It took me a few songs to loosen up enough to really feel what was happening around me and in me. People were full on, no holds barred worshiping God with everything in them. I started to think this is a glimpse of how it will be in eternity - just praising God and not caring about anything else. Joining with other believers to worship. Then they sang the song Mighty to Save, which I love, and I have to say those five minutes were the most worshipful I think I've ever been. I couldn't help but get caught up in the words and beauty of it all, and truly have a freeing experience of worshiping God. I had all these thoughts flit through my brain at that moment - thoughts of all the things I get worried about or obsess over - and I can honestly say during that height of worship, when those things came to mind I couldn't care less about them. I wish I could feel that way all the time, but I loved even having that feeling for a moment - not caring about anything except loving God and being sold out for Him. I have thought on that all week, and it's really changed my perspective on some things.
The rest of the night was incredible too. Prayers were offered, salvation invitations were made, Scripture was read, and of course, there was lots of worship music happening. The whole night was uplifting and filled me up. I loved it!!
As for reflection, it occurred to me that I have now been back in the States for a year. It's amazing how quickly it goes by. In July of 2008, I made a video newsletter about my time in Hong Kong, and posted it on youtube. I just watched it a few minutes ago for the first time since I made it, and it just brought back so many memories. I don't doubt the move back to Texas last year was right, but I think about HK every day and miss so many things about it. Maybe God has that again in my future. I hope so. There were plenty of hard times too, but I made some deep relationships that I could never have imagined, and learned so much more about God and myself than I ever knew. I sometimes think back on some of the things I had to do or figure out on my own and how I had to adapt and be outside of my comfort zone so often. I can't believe some of the experiences I had.
Since I've been back, that hasn't stopped. God has continued to do a lot of things in me. When I first came back to Texas last April, I knew it was the right move but I also had a lot of discouragement, feeling like I had gone so far and done so much and learned so many things, just to come back to the starting point. But this past year, I have been challenged in things I have never experienced. I have grown even further. I have been taught even more. Just because I came back to the same physical location as where I started, I did not come back to the same place spiritually or mentally or emotionally.
God is very, very big and offers so many challenges and blessings that I can't even begin to get my head around. I'm just glad I've stuck it out, and am continuing to hold fast, and keep learning and grow. It's not always an easy life, but it's certainly a rewarding life to live for Christ.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Rejoicing in Trials?
The past few days for me have been very stressful and I was feeling very discouraged and confused. I had a bad situation at work on Friday that really left me with a lot of anxiety throughout the weekend and into Monday, until I was able to see the result of the bad situation was not anywhere near as devastating as I thought it would be. (Sorry to be so cryptic, but since many of you know the people in my life, I don't want to give too much away to respect their privacy)
I showed up to church Sunday morning, and I could only sing the last song of worship. The one before that I tried, but I couldn't find it in me to praise God. I wasn't mad at Him or blaming Him. I've been through enough to know that He knows what's best for me and that I need to trust in Him. But nevertheless, the ball of tension in my chest wouldn't go away and I couldn't bring myself to genuinely sing songs of praise.
1 Thesalonians 5:18 says to give thanks in all things. In 2 Cor 12:10 Paul says he delights in trials and sufferings because in his weakness, he is strong. And Romans 5:3 says we should rejoice in our suffering because they produce perseverance, character and hope.
I had each of these verses running through my head this weekend, and I realized just how difficult it really is to praise God and rejoice when I am so anxious and worried and afraid of the road He is leading me down. It is so easy to speak these verses to someone else enduring a trial (which I have, recently) but I hadn't really comprehended how difficult it is to actually live it.
I do think this caused me to really rely on God's strength, and for that I am grateful. Things turned out so much better than I had anticipated, and in the process God showed me a lot of encouragement and support from others that I really needed and that helped me see God's hand at work. While the weekend held an undercurrent of stress which put a damper on some very fun activities, it was also a weekend where I felt very, very loved by a lot of wonderful friends. So, I guess God didn't forget about me after all. :)
I showed up to church Sunday morning, and I could only sing the last song of worship. The one before that I tried, but I couldn't find it in me to praise God. I wasn't mad at Him or blaming Him. I've been through enough to know that He knows what's best for me and that I need to trust in Him. But nevertheless, the ball of tension in my chest wouldn't go away and I couldn't bring myself to genuinely sing songs of praise.
1 Thesalonians 5:18 says to give thanks in all things. In 2 Cor 12:10 Paul says he delights in trials and sufferings because in his weakness, he is strong. And Romans 5:3 says we should rejoice in our suffering because they produce perseverance, character and hope.
I had each of these verses running through my head this weekend, and I realized just how difficult it really is to praise God and rejoice when I am so anxious and worried and afraid of the road He is leading me down. It is so easy to speak these verses to someone else enduring a trial (which I have, recently) but I hadn't really comprehended how difficult it is to actually live it.
I do think this caused me to really rely on God's strength, and for that I am grateful. Things turned out so much better than I had anticipated, and in the process God showed me a lot of encouragement and support from others that I really needed and that helped me see God's hand at work. While the weekend held an undercurrent of stress which put a damper on some very fun activities, it was also a weekend where I felt very, very loved by a lot of wonderful friends. So, I guess God didn't forget about me after all. :)
Monday, April 5, 2010
Defining 'Good'
I was thinking this morning about how I define the word 'good.' Usually, as I drive to work in the morning, I pray for a 'good' day, and then I try to define what would be a 'good' day. I discovered my definition of 'good' rarely includes things like 'everything go perfectly to plan, and everyone loves me and says nice things, and nothing challenging or difficult happens.'
Instead, my prayers for 'good' include things like 'I pray that I have the confidence and level-headedness to handle the challenges that come with today' and 'I pray that I can see clearly what I need to accomplish, and I am able to focus and finish.' I think there was a time where I would pray for simple, happy things as part of my 'good' day prayer, but more and more I am realizing that challenges arise, difficulties happen, and rather than praying that I never encounter those things, I pray instead that I will take the opportunity to follow as God guides me through them.
The Bible says that through trials, we are better able to discern God's Will. By being put into situations where God is the only one I can truly trust and rely on, my relationship with Him grows stronger and I am better able to hear Him in the future. I think rather than praying for simplicity in life or asking for hard times never to come my way, I am better off praying that I can follow God through the tough times so I can praise Him and rejoice and be led onto even greater mountaintops.
Instead, my prayers for 'good' include things like 'I pray that I have the confidence and level-headedness to handle the challenges that come with today' and 'I pray that I can see clearly what I need to accomplish, and I am able to focus and finish.' I think there was a time where I would pray for simple, happy things as part of my 'good' day prayer, but more and more I am realizing that challenges arise, difficulties happen, and rather than praying that I never encounter those things, I pray instead that I will take the opportunity to follow as God guides me through them.
The Bible says that through trials, we are better able to discern God's Will. By being put into situations where God is the only one I can truly trust and rely on, my relationship with Him grows stronger and I am better able to hear Him in the future. I think rather than praying for simplicity in life or asking for hard times never to come my way, I am better off praying that I can follow God through the tough times so I can praise Him and rejoice and be led onto even greater mountaintops.
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